Hey, lady, you, lady
Cursin' at your life
You're a discontented mother
And a regimented wife
I've no doubt you dream about
The things you never do
But I wish someone had've talked to me
Like I wanna talk to you
Ooh, I've been to Georgia and California
And anywhere I could run
Took the hand of a preacher man
And we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces
Because I had to be free
I've been to paradise
But I've never been to me
Please, lady Please, lady
Don't just walk away
'Cause I have this need to tell you
Why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me
Still living in your eyes
Won't you share a part of a weary heart
That has lived a million lies?
Oh, I've been to Nice and the isle of Greece
While I sipped champagne on a yacht
I've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo
And showed 'em what I've got
I've been undressed by kings
And I've seen some things
That a woman ain't s'posed to see
I've been to paradise
But I've never been
To me
Ooooh
I've been to paradise...
Never been to me. More! More!
More!
Oh, please!
Next! Put it away, sweetie!
Ugh!
Are you OK? Yeah.
That was fuckin' charming, you gutless pack of dickheads.
Fuck off, you talentless dog! What was that?
Show us your pink bits! No!
Know why this microphone has such a long cord?
So it's easily retrieved after I've shoved it up YOUR arse.
Christ almighty!
What the fuck's going on out there tonight?
Are you hurt?
Alright, which one of you bitches sat on my dress?
Tick, darling, it's for you.
Hello. Ding dong, Avon calling.
Howdy, sunshine. Long time no hear.
Where? Emergency ward A.
Mr Belrose?
Yes?
So... how about it?
Leave him alone! Fuck off!
Get... get off him!
Taxi! Taxi!
Yeah?
Bernadette? It's Tick.
Sorry to call you so late, but I...
Hey, are you OK?
No, I'm not.
Well... what's the matter?
Trumpet just died.
"...and established it on the floods."
"The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want.
"He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.
"He leadeth me beside the still waters.
"He restoreth my soul.
"He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness..."
"...for his name's sake.
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
"I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.
"Thy rod and staff comfort me.
"Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.
"Thou anointest my head with oil. My cup runneth over.
"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all my life,
"and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
It's not fair.
I spent half my life and all my savings
trying to snag a sympathetic husband.
And the selfish little shit goes and dies on me.
25 years old, and he goes and slips over in a bathroom.
He didn't slip.
He was peroxiding his hair at home and he asphyxiated on the fumes.
I need some space.
I've, um... been asked to do a show out of town.
That's nice. Well, why don't you come with me?
I'll need some help, and... we could both use the break.
You're not wrong. Where is it?
Um... Alice Springs.
You've got to be fucking joking!
Wo-Man is a... unique range of speciality facial products
designed for the more... heavy-duty woman in us all.
Now, um... this week...
Excuse me.
Um... hello?
How long is the run?
Four weeks.
Equity minimum, two shows a night, accommodation included.
I can't just sit around here crying all the time.
Jesus! My mascara keeps running. I look like a raccoon.
Good girl! That's the spirit.
Here's hoping the desert's big enough for the two of us.
Um... three of us.
A desert holiday
Let's pack the drag away
You take the lunch and tea I'll take the ecstasy
Fuck off, you silly queer
I'm getting out of here
A desert holiday Hip, hip, hip, hip, hooray.
Why?
Why not?
Look, he's turned into a bloody good little performer.
That's right.
A bloody good little performer.
24 hours a day, seven days a week.
I thought we were escaping this shit.
Two's company, three's a party, Bernadette my sweet.
We're unplugging our curling wands and going bush, Felicia.
Why would you possibly leave all this glamour
for a hike into nowhere?
You really want to know? Desperately.
Well, ever since I was a lad I've had this dream -
a dream that I now, finally, have a chance to fulfil.
And that is...?
To travel to the centre of Australia,
climb Kings Canyon - as a queen -
in a full-length Gaultier sequin, heels and a tiara.
Great. That's just what this country needs.
A cock in a frock on a rock.
Get back in your kennels, both of you.
Now, the first thing we have to work out...
...is how the hell we get there.
Ta-da!
What do you think?
When do we have to return it to the school?
We don't. We own it.
What?!
Well, I met some nice 'Svedish' tourists called Lars, Lars and Lars
and I coaxed it out of them for $10,000.
We can't afford it. Well, that's right.
"Mummy, maybe a trip to the outback
"would help me get over this little 'phase' I'm going through.
"And you never know - I might meet some lovely country girl."
I hereby christen this budget Barbie camper...
...Priscilla -
Queen of the Desert.
That's got to be the understatement of the century.
Mum!
Ladies and gentlemen!
We're here today to see off a very brave woman
who will attempt to cross a continent alone.
On behalf of all her sponsors...
Ladies...
...start your engines.
This old man He played two
He played knick-knack with my poo...
Please! Knick-knack paddy-whack...
Give me a break! This old man came rolling home.
Four fat trannies working on the wall
And if one fat trannie should accidentally fall...
My darling Clementine
Da da da da...
How long have we been on the road?
4 and a half hours.
I've got a splitting headache already.
Happy hour! Mother's ruin pour moi.
Long Island tea... And a Stoli and tonic for me.
Stupid cow. Well, listen to this one.
After we did the Abba show,
Kevin had one of those liposuction penis enlargements.
He didn't? Yep.
Know what they do?
They siphon fat from your love handles
and inject it into your wing-wang.
Ugh! Yucky!
It gives a new meaning to "cracking a fat", though.
Baaa-aaaa! Baaa-aaaa!
Listen to yourselves! You sound like two fat slags at a pie bake-off.
Well, your contribution to the conversation
hasn't exactly made headlines, Bernice.
Gee, poor Kevin's dick.
There can't be much room down there
with his brain taking up so much space already.
No, I'll join this conversation
on the proviso that we stop bitching about people,
talking about wigs, dresses, bust sizes,
penises, drugs, nightclubs and bloody Abba!
Doesn't give us much to talk about then, does it?
Hey, can you confirm a rumour for me?
Is it true her real name's Ralph? Shh!
How do you like your little boys, girls?
You don't have to answer that.
Oh, my God. What is this - 'Outback with Benny Hill'?
Just leave mine outside the door at about 8am
along with an orange juice and toast, please.
Why, certainly, madam.
Would you like vegemite or jam with that?
Er... knock knock. Room service.
Can't you read the sign - "Do not disturb"?
Come back in the morning. Ha ha. Open the door.
Goodnight, Bernice. Goodnight, Mitzi.
Open the fucking door!
OK, if you don't open the door... I'm gonna sing.
Fine. You asked for it.
I don't care if the sun don't shine
I get my loving in the evening time
When I'm with my baby
It's no fun with the sun around
'Cause I get going when the sun goes down
And I meet my baby...
That's when we kiss and kiss and kiss
And then we kiss some more
Don't ask how many times... Night, John-boy.
Waaah!
I'm seriously falling asleep.
It's your shift and you're sticking to it.
Serves you right for staying out all night... slut.
Well, I won't make it.
I don't care if the sun don't...
Oh, fuck off, grandma.
You alright?
Me? Yeah. I'm fine.
I'm just thinking.
Sorry.
Shit!
What is it?
Perhaps we should've flown.
Bzzt! Wrong! But thanks for playing.
Anyone else? No!
Witchetty grub. Your turn.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'R'.
Rectum. No.
Ring pirate. No.
Road.
Alright, that's it. What's the matter with you?
Nothing, darling. Don't 'darling' me, darling.
Look at you. You've got a face like a cat's arse.
Now 'fess up. Just... worried about the show.
We haven't done any rehearsals yet...
We've got two weeks! There's plenty of time to rehearse.
Now, what is your problem?
Not a problem. I just...
I just want this show to be good. That's all. Gonna be good.
How the fuck did you get this job, Mitzi, my Darling?
Who is the fish that runs this bloody hotel in the middle of nowhere, anyway?
Your mother? No, my wife.
Ooh, don't tell me you've got an ex-boyfriend
tucked away out here somewhere.
No, my WIFE!
I'm married.
And when the joint bank account ran dry after a couple of years...
...I guess I preferred her wedding ring to mine, so... no drama.
We swapped and called it a day.
This is getting too weird.
YOU and a woman.
What did she do for kicks?
Put a bucket on your head and swing off the handle?
You know, there are two things I don't like about you, Felicia.
Your face! So how about shutting both of them?
Well, at least this explains your abysmal batting average, Mitz.
I often wondered why your dance card was so empty.
You never got a divorce, then?
Well, girls, what can I say?
Here's to a secret very well kept.
Shame it won't stay that way, isn't it?
Mmm! Got any more little surprises you'd like to share with us?
Haven't got any kids stashed away out there, have you?
Look...
...I haven't lied about anything.
After six years I get phone call out of nowhere, screaming for help,
and Christ knows I owe her some favours.
I'm sorry that I never told you.
I'm not sorry that you're here.
Don't worry about it, dolls.
I'm as jealous as all hell.
What?
So, was it a big wedding?
Get lots of pressies, did you?
I wish I was OLD enough to have been there.
Oh, ha ha.
I would've bought you
a lovely matching set of hers and hers bathmats.
Oh, give it a rest. Not on your life!
Oh, imagine! Mitzi the magnificent and her blushing bride.
Mowing those lawns must've been murder on your heels, though.
Alright, Felicia. That's enough.
Let's put some money in that seething cesspool mouth of yours.
If I win this game,
you will NEVER mention my wife EVER in my presence again, OK?
And if I win? Name your price.
Well, now...
What would I like
more than anything else in the whole wide world?
Snap!
Better be quick.
What the fuck am I doing?
Take that bloody frock off, Felicia - don't make it worse than it is.
You think I'm gonna let YOU get all the attention? No chance!
Come on, girls. Let's go shopping.
Oh, for Christ's sake!
I love the night-life I've got to boogie
On the disco Ah-ha, oh, yeah
Oh, I love the night-life
I've got to boogie
On the disco Ah-ha, oh, yeah...
Oh, I just adore these hats!
Please don't talk about love tonight
Your sweet talking won't make it right
Loving lies just bring me down
When you've got women all over town
You can love them all
And when you're through
Maybe they'll make...
You've got to be kidding!
Welcome to Mario Palace!
Come in. Come in.
Come in.
What can I do for you?
You'd like a room, madam?
Subtle.
Oh, tackarama!
Who does all the painting around here?
Someone with no arms or right foot, by the look of things.
Ugh, for goodness sakes get down off that crucifix!
Someone needs the wood.
What have we here?!
What fun! Baby bottles of booze!
Oh!
Gather round, girls - let me show you a trick.
You, um, drink the gin...
Ah!
...ah, fill the bottle with water and... put it back in the fridge.
Va-t'en vous. What about the Scotch?
Ah... that's where the complimentary tea bags come in handy.
Very clever. Cheers, girls.
And congratulations, Mitzi darling. You did it.
One lap of the Broken Hill main drag IN drag.
That'll teach you to take on
the Fairmont Boys School snap champion.
Here's to being off the fucking bus.
Chookers.
So... all dolled up and nowhere to go.
I sure as shit am not going to sit in here all evening.
I'm in!
Oh, alright.
Here's hoping they have a decent cocktail bar.
Hello.
Could I please have a Stoli and tonic,
a Bloody Mary and a Lime Daiquiri, please?
Well!
Look what the cat dragged in!
What have we got here, eh?
A couple of showgirls, have we?
Where did you ladies come in from?
Uranus?
Could I please have a Stol... No!
Ya can't have!
Ya can't have nothin'.
We've got nothin' here for people like you. Nothin'!
Now listen here, you mullet.
Why don't you just light your tampon and blow your box apart?
Because it's the only bang you'll ever get, sweetheart!
I get my loving in the evening time
When I'm with my baby
Oh, it's no fun...
What could be more soothing
than coming home after a hard day's work down the mine
to the wo-man in us all?
Now, don't send any money. OK?
Ooh!
Oooooh!
OOOOH!
Shit!
All I can see is female impersonators.
This has got to be a first.
Nobody's ever outdrunk old Shirl before.
Where'd you learn to throw 'em back like that?
That's our girl, Bernadette.
Stumbling around the pub circuit with Les Girls for 200 years
must've taught her something.
You're a bloody marvel, Bernie.
Bernadette, please. What's that?
My name isn't Bernie. She said her name isn't Bernie.
It's Ralph!
Come on! Oh!
Oh! Oh!
What did you call me? "What did you call me" what?
What did you call me back there in the bar?
Sorry... Ralph!
You fucking idiot! Oh!
Oh! Fuck!
Oh! Fuckin'... Oh! Fuck!
Get off me, you fuckin'... Oh! Fuck!
Don't worry. It's only my fucken head!
At least the bump on your head's bigger than your prick!
Why don't you ust get fucked, you stupid old fist?!
Oh, piss off, you little faggot!
Listen, you're so bloody boring...
If your mouth was as big as your dick...
Good morning. Morning.
It's funny, you know.
No matter how tough I think I'm getting...
...it still hurts.
Hope it still works.
Don't have much call for it here.
Where are you blokes from?
Uranus. Oh, good.
There! Left!
I hope you know what you're doing.
If we stick to the sealed road we'll be at it for at least another two days.
Take the short cut.
One more push, I'm gonna smack his face so hard
he'll have to stick his toothbrush up his arse to clean his teeth.
Just lay off!
I told you not to use the 'R' word. What did you go and do?
I was only having fun. Fun?
What else do you do for amusement - slam your fingers in car doors?
What's the point?
I like seeing people get hot-headed. Okay? It gives me a kick
Is it true when you were born the doctor turned around and slapped your mother?
What sort of... bent childhood did you have, Adam Whitely?
Adam! Adam!
Come in here, boy.
Come and sit over here.
Would you like to have some fun with Uncle Barry?
We're gonna play a SPECIAL game,
but you can't tell anybody
ever, ever, ever, OK?
Now, I want you to put your hand down here
and pull very gently, OK?
Very gently.
That's good. That's good.
Ooh!
Jesus Christ, Adam! Get help!
Adam, Uncle Barry's penie-pie is caught in the drain.
Get Mummy. Get Mummy!
No! Whaddya mean 'No'?!
Never, ever, ever!
You know the best part?
Mum was out playing golf
and the dirty old fuck was stuck there for seven hours!
I thought they were small and wrinkled
BEFORE they got in the water!
Hey, I've got a joke.
Who wants to hear a joke?
Come on, Bernice, it's so funny,
you'll laugh SO hard, your lashes will curl by themselves.
Do tell us your hilarious joke.
OK.
Well, once upon a time, many moons ago,
there was a famous bunch of Indians called the Fuck-are-we tribe.
One day, the son of the great Indian chief says to his father,
"Dad, why is my friend Little Hawk called Little Hawk?"
And his father says...
"Why do you ask..." "Two Dogs Fucking?"
That's NOT the end of the joke.
So anyway, back to me.
Jesus! What's happening?
Um... I don't know.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Felicia.
Where the fuck are we?
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Oh, shit!
Well, I've had a look around
and we can safely assume that I now know less about motors
than I did when I lifted up that, uh... that bonnety thing.
Now what?
Let's not think about it yet and eat brekkie, shall we?
Oh, that's a novel idea.
Let's stuff ourselves to death.
Imagine the headlines.
'Whales beach themselves in the outback'.
'Mystery bumsticks dead in drag'.
There's no point walking back.
The only life I've seen is hypnotised bunnies
and they're now mostly wedged in the tyres.
Yes, and toast marshmallows and chill champagne for their arrival.
What if they DON'T drive past?
Look, you're not helping here. Just eat your hormones.
"Help". Why didn't we stick to the main road?
What difference does it make?! You started this, Anthony Belrose.
And I suggest start thinking about how to get us back
or I don't fancy your chances of being a husband again.
Jesus. What are we gonna do?
We're gonna start with a little face-lift.
Nothing like a new frock to brighten up your day.
Purple?!
It's not PURPLE. It's lavender.
Whaddya think?
Oh, it's nice... in a hideous sort of a way.
Where are you going?
If you think I'm sitting around
watching Picasso take on the public transport system
you've got another thing coming.
I'll be back with the cavalry in a couple of hours.
There goes a transsexual. Last seen heading south.
We called her Bernie, but her real name was...
Adam!
Oooee!
Aaaggh!
Oh!
Help! Help!
What's that, Pa? What?
Up there, yer nong.
Looks like a woman!
Help!
Oh, thank God.
Thank you.
I can't tell you how grateful I am.
...face...
I just walked in to find you here
With that sad look upon your face...
You fucken beauty!
Ooh, ooh, shit. Ooh.
Aaah! Bernie, I'm so glad to see you!
I wish I could say the same.
I was just drawing up the will. Come and meet our saviours.
Tony, Adam, this is Mr and Mrs Spencer.
Hello! Hello!
Stop! Stop!
Shit.
Oh, for goodness sakes, look at yourself, Mitz.
How many times do I have to tell you green is not your colour?
Do you think about Trumpet much?
No.
Trumpet was just a nice kid who had a thing about transsexuals.
Lots of people do.
Sort of... bent status symbol, you know.
"My girlfriend used to be a boyfriend" - that sort of thing.
Always good for a supper invite.
Still... it was better than nothing.
Nothing. Nothing for miles.
Can you hear the drums, Fernando...
I've said it before and I'll say it again.
No more fuckin' Abba.
OK, we may as well put the time to good use.
Come on, girls. Off your snatches.
Rehearsal time.
Nah, nah, nah...
And so you're back From outer space...
OK? Two bobs to start with, alright?
Boring. Ready?
Da da da da
Dee dee dee dee
Dee dee dee dee dee dee
This look upon your face...
Oh, I did this years ago.
You did it SO beautifully and darling, you do it SO well.
Right, from the top.
One, two...
Go on, now go
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye...
Aaaagh!
Hello.
Nice night for it.
Feel alright
Yes, I feel alright
Well, I feel alright with you right by my side...
I think we just... crashed a party.
No, come on. You'll be right.
Welcome to my office. Have a seat.
Bernice, what possibly possessed you to wear THAT to a corroboree?
Shut your face.
Bravo! Fabulous!
Well, girls, I guess it's our turn.
At first I was afraid I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
And so you're back From outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
And made you leave your key
If I'd known for just one second you'd be back to bother me
Go on now go
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble Think I'd lay down and die?
Oh, no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live and I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive I will survive
Hey, hey...
Hey, take a look at that.
Ooooh! I've got an idea!
It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Just trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent, oh, so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry But now I hold my head up high
And you see me
Somebody new
I'm not that chained-up little person still in love with you
So you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for someone who's lovin' me
Go on now go
Walk out the door
Just turn around now 'cause you're not welcome anymore...
So... you actually make money by dressing up like a woman?
Oh, sure. You can make a fine living in a pair of heels.
Why, Allen? Do you want a job?
Oh! If only this dress could talk.
Sometimes I wonder where I get my taste from.
Definitely not my mother.
Serves me right for letting her buy me these awful clothes.
What's this?
That, darling, is my most treasured possession in the whole wide world.
But what is it?
Well, a few years ago I went on a pilgrimage backstage to an Abba concert,
hoping to grab an audience with Her Royal Highness, Agnetha.
Well, when she ducked into the ladies loo,
naturally I followed her in...
...and after she'd finished her business
I ducked into the cubicle
only to find she'd left a little gift in the toilet bowl.
What are you telling me?
This is an Abba turd?
I know what we can do with THIS.
Are you right?
Hang on!
OK! Go!
Whoo-hoo!
There! Whoo-hoo!
Afternoon. What seems to be the problem?
What a nice dog.
What's its name?
Herpes.
If she's good, she'll heel.
Things get pretty quiet around here.
We're a bit starved of entertainment.
Glad we could oblige.
How does it look?
Well, your gas tank's chock-a-block full of crud.
Travelling a rough road on a low tank chucks it into the motor.
Your fuel line's blocked, injectors are stuffed...
So does that mean you can fix it? In the short term.
What you blokes need is a new gas tank.
Don't suppose there's one lying around?
No, sorry.
Could pick one up in Coober Pedy in about a week.
When do you have to be in Alice? Six days.
We can clear it out and hope for the best.
You might make it.
Won't know unless you try.
Refreshments!
Lemonade here - I make!
That's very nice, darling. Please... go back inside.
Lemonade here - I make. Lemonade for guests.
No, darling, please!
I make chockrit cracker!
Thank you!
We put cream on?
Er... no, no. It's... um... face cream.
It's for face. Ah!
Bob, Cynthia - thank you.
I love lamb with meringue.
Thank you for the company.
Like I said earlier, new faces are pretty hard to come by here.
Should I may asking? Need you off the highway?
Oh, now, that's a bloody good question.
Glad you bothered. Don't get your type out here very often.
Me like to sing too - me like... Yeah, pretty damn quiet.
Thought about opening a video business,
but I suppose we gotta wait for television first.
Me perform for you. Me dance too.
My wife was in the, uh... entertainment business.
Yeah. You perform here?
You thinking of performing here?
I mean, you'll be here at least another night.
Um... well, the thought hadn't really... crossed my mind.
Well, I'll talk to Wally at the pub. Everybody would love it.
Oh, I'm not sure our show would go down too well out here.
Should I may asking. What kind of cabaret do you do?
We dress up in women's clothes
and parade around mouthing the words to other people's songs.
You mean, sort of like them... what are they called?
Les Girls?
Yeah, I've seen 'em in Sydney when I was young!
Fantastic! Just terrific!
Bob, you are looking at probably the most famous Les Girl ever produced!
You're kidding me! Give me a break.
I was never that famous. I'm not joking.
What? I mean, I wouldn't have seen you, but...
That was 30 years back. Oh, you'd be surprised.
Me perform for you. Me sing...!
No, Cynthia. You no perform. They perform, not you.
Well! A real live Les Girls show.
Right, this calls for a celebration.
Maybe this isn't such a good idea. Oh, shut your twat.
Our frocks were the sensation of Broken Hill, remember?
Broken Hill had a K-Mart. They knew what a frock was.
Christ, you should see what this woman is wearing.
It's not a frock. It's a piece of corrugated iron!
Can I come in? Only if you're single!
Oh, you look, uh... incredible.
Where did we find guy?
Keep dishing out the compliments, Bob.
Flattery gets you everywhere.
Now, where's that lovely wife of yours?
She's at home. She's, uh... not allowed in the pub anymore.
Really? Why?
She got problem of alcohol - everytime she's in the pub she makes a fool of herself.
I know how she feels.
Well, we're all waiting. Are you ready?
Bob...
...we're having second thoughts.
You can't back out. Every man and his dog's here.
They're not chained up are they? Oh, you blokes!
Sorry. You girls.
You'll be fine. Take my word for it.
There's nothing more that I'd like to do
Than take the floor and dance with you
Keep dancing Let's keep dancing
Shake it! Shake it!
Shake your groove thing Shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah!
Show them how to do it now Show them how to do it now!
YEAH!
Yeah, right.
Here she goes!
What the hell is going on?
Oh, she's not!
Is she?
Oh, you can't do that with a ping-pong ball!
Do you want a bet?
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Help me!
He's taking me away! Help me!
I'm going!
Darling, there's nothing we can't work out.
You no good man. Now, don't be silly.
You want good wife - you be good husband.
Darling, don't go.
I no like you anyway. You got little ding-a-ling.
Some days you just shouldn't get out of bed.
In my opinion, you should wait here
until I get back from Coober Pedy with the new gas tank
Then again, you listened to my last opinion.
Forget it, Bob. It's time we made a move.
I'm just a gifted amateur around here.
There's no way a nice frock and a catchy tune
can compete with three ping-pong balls, two cigarettes and a pint of beer.
I'll play it safe and stick to the main drag, pardon the pun.
Well, goodbye, Bob.
Thanks for a very educational stay.
I'd love to be able to open a bottle like that.
Bernadette, it's certainly been an honour
meeting a member of Les Girls.
And it's been an honour to meet a gentleman.
Believe me, Bob, these days gentlemen are an endangered species.
Unlike bloody drag queens who just keep breeding like rabbits!
Oh, fuck it!
Bob! Fancy a free ride to Coober Pedy?
Now, listen, Bob. Let's get one thing straight.
We wear the frocks, but that doesn't mean you wear the pants.
Right. Where do I sleep?
Oh! Anywhere that takes your fancy!
The roof will do me fine.
Thank you, Bob.
I don't know what to say.
That's alright. Might as well get there earlier. Bit of R and R.
God knows I need it.
Can I ask you a personal question, if you don't mind?
Sure. Why?
Why do you... you know?
You mean the $64,000 question?
That's the girl. Don't tear the wrapping paper.
Just slide the ribbon off and we can see what Santa's brought you.
Here it comes now.
What is it?
Oh, it's a... It's a...
...cement mixer.
Have you been changing the cards around again, Ralph?
So, I guess I had no choice in the matter.
For fuck's sake! Watch where you're driving, you stupid bitch!
You trying to fucken kill me or something?
My fault!
Sorry, Bob. I thought it was Bernadette.
One-two-three, two-two-three, three-two-three...
Now you're getting it.
Who taught you to waltz? My wife.
Oh, how sweet.
You and the missus down at Arthur Murray's every Tuesday
practising your hearts out.
Makes me want to sick up.
Married?
Yes, married.
We've only recently discovered
young Anthony here bats for both teams.
I do not! Oh, so we're straight?
No. Oh, we're not?
We're a donut puncher after all?
No. Then what are we?
I don't fucking know!
What the fuck's that?
Good evening.
Nice night for it.
Oh, OK. Goodnight then.
What a rude woman.
And that's the power steering pump. And that's the radiator fan.
How interesting. Simple.
That's the rubber band that drives the whole thing...
Oh! Yes!
Hey! Who wants first bath?
Whoo-ooh!
I won!
Can I help you, ma'am?
OK! Turn her over!
I don't care if the sun don't shine
I get my loving in the evening time
When I'm with my baby
It's no fun with the sun around
But I get going when the sun goes down
And I meet my baby
That's when we kiss and kiss and kiss
And then we kiss some more
Don't ask how many times we kiss
At a time like this who keeps score?
So, I don't care if the sun don't shine
I get my loving in the evening time
When I'm with my baby!
That's it over there.
It's an OK room - with a shower. Bags first!
Is hot water all you think about?
No. A shower, bed and nice meal will do fine.
If you think I'm just going to watch television, you're wrong.
Now, look. You blokes watch your back.
It's a pretty tough little town.
They go down holes, blow things up, then come up again.
That sums things up. Oh, fabulous!
You're welcome to hang out with us, Bob. If you got nothing better to do.
Yeah. I'm meeting some of the boys in the old drive-in for a booze-up.
Like the old days.
I want to go to the boys club!
You'll have supper with us or stay in your room and watch TV.
Ha!
He's a good man, our Bob.
Yeah.
Not my type, though.
Oh! Don't come the raw prawn with me!
I can spot the fluttering of a beaded lash from 300 paces!
Oh, get out! He's far too old.
Mind you, so am I. Mmm.
Did you catch that mail-order bride?
Why'd he marry? I'm dying to ask.
Oops! Sorry. It's alright.
Don't worry about it.
You're the world's best husband.
And, given the chance, a perfectly good father too.
Do you really think so?
Why? Thinking about children?
Yes, as a matter of fact.
Um, do you have 'The Texas Chainsaw Mascara'?
You ever wanted kids?
Sure. But I've learned not to think about it.
You think an old queen's capable of raising a child?
Well, Elizabeth did a pretty good job.
Prince Charles is a wonderful boy.
Edward's still a bit of a worry.
What happens if they turn out like Adam?
You stuff them back in and ask for a refund.
Stupid little shit.
I dread to think what he's up to.
Oooh.
Hello.
I'm new in town.
No kidding.
Could I have a bloody Mary, please?
It's a beer or nothing... sweetheart.
Well, I'd better have a beer then.
Cheers.
What are you all looking at?
I'm sorry.
Didn't mean to stare. We don't usually get women down here.
Oh.
So what do women do around here besides watching videos?
Well, well, well! Look who we have here.
You know that bloke, do you?
No.
So... who's going to show me the sights?
It'd be my pleasure.
Oh.
So, how about it?
I suppose a fuck's now out of the question.
Get her, Frank! Go, Frank!
Come on, boys! Who wants to see my map of Tasmania?
So. I never got a chance to tell my parents what a wonderful childhood I'd had.
They never spoke to me again after I'd had... the chop.
I think I have something to tell you.
Oh, shit.
Get after her!
OK, fellas! Don't forget how to treat a lady.
You fucking freak!
Hold him down.
Spread his legs apart.
Oh, no. Please, don't!
Frank, stop!
Stop! What the fuck do you think you're doing?!
You mean you do know this cocksucker.
Get off him, you mongrel!
He was joking, OK? You leave the little bugger alone.
Get out of there, Bob.
Calm down, Frank.
Put the faggot down and get out or you'll be next.
Frank! Get out of there!
Stop flexing your muscles you big pile of budgie turd.
I'm sure your mates will be much more impressed
if you go back to the pub and fuck a couple pigs on the bar.
Bernadette, please...
Bernadette?!
Well, I'll be darned. The whole circus is in town.
I suppose you want a fuck too, do you?
Come on, Bernadette. Come and fuck me.
That's it.
Come on. Come and fuck me.
Come on.
Fuck me.
There, now you're fucked.
You stupid bloody idiot! Drugs, for Christ's sake!
Well, three cheers for you! I hope you're happy now!
You bloody fuckwit!
It's funny.
We all sit around
mindlessly slagging off that vile stink-hole of a city.
But in its own strange way it takes care of us.
I don't know if that ugly wall of suburbia's been put there
to stop them getting in or us getting out.
Come on.
Don't let it drag you down.
Let it toughen you up.
I can only fight because I've learnt to.
Being a man one day and a woman the next isn't easy thing to do.
Sorry. Can't help you. No worries, Pete.
Are we bunny-hopping all the way to Alice?
Not good. This is the man to help's a fair way out of town.
Like how fair?
Couple of hundred klicks fair.
No matter. I've go nothing else to do today. Let's get out of here.
Come on, Adam. We're not here.
Some things are said in the heat of the moment.
I'm sorry I got angry with you last night.
Oh, I dare say you deserved it.
Anyway, that's enough of that.
This is quite an experience sitting her with you now.
I can quite safely say
that I think your taste in clothing is absolutely terrible
because you can't say a word, can you?
Oh, this is great fun!
We're going to have a problem finding this guy with the tank.
Why say that? Because he's not out here.
He's out here. He's in Alice.
I can't go back to Coober Pedy for a while.
I'm not the most popular bloke back there anymore.
Ooof!
Hello.
Hello!
Who are you? I your wife!
Guess I'll be going home then. You no going!
I coming too. I your wife!
See? I your wife!
Silly girl.
Should've done her homework better.
She always thought... She thought I was from Sydney.
Why in gods name did you bring her home?
She was me wife.
Couldn't you sell her off?
Oh, the party's over, everyone. It talks.
Can't keep a good bitch down.
What time will we be in Alice Springs?
Late tomorrow arvo.
How long will you be staying?
Don't know.
A couple of days maybe.
A big day for you tomorrow! We'll all meet the missus!
I saw that smile, Felicia!
One word, one derogatory word
and I'll take you back to your mate in Coober Pedy.
Please, everyone. Tomorrow will be tough.
Look. Please don't make it any harder, then I has to be.
We're only teasing. We won't open our mouths until you give the word.
And then it's open season.
Oh, well. Time for bed.
Got to look good for the wife in the morning.
Come along, Adam. Time for your beauty sleep.
Come on!
Will you two be joining us?
I just thought a little I'd have one for the road.
How about you, Bob?
Sounds good to me.
Alright, then. See you in the morning.
Goodnight!
Another piece of cake, Bob?
Ah, no. Oh.
So... tell me about you.
Can't complain.
Life's a lot simpler now.
Spent 30 years wandering around the world
only to find I was better off where I started.
Not much, but it's my turf.
Oooh! Shit!
Adam!
What? Guess who didn't come home?
I've waited all my life for this.
Bernice has left her cake out in the rain!
Hava nagila Have a hangover
Hava nagila Hi hi hi!
Di di, di-di-di-di Di di, di-di-di-di
My fucking back's killing me.
I need a crap.
Do you want me to go in? I'll go.
Excuse me. You can't park your bus here.
Are you planning on staying here? I'm sorry...
Could you direct me to Marian Barber?
We're the cabaret act from Sydney.
Oh, right, right! Just go through to reception.
Thanks. No worries.
It's alright, Lenny. It's the drag queens!
Come on, Bob. Let's go try on your new frock.
G'day.
Just over there by the bar.
Thanks.
No, those three kegs didn't arrive.
I need them today - not tomorrow, but today.
You're a doll.
What an arsehole.
Oh, my God! Husband! Husband!
It's so good to see you! Hiya, wife!
You're late. Where are the others? Oh, they're outside.
You've lost weight, you old queer. About fucken time!
I can fit into your old one-piece - the one with the sunflowers.
What the hell do you do with it?
'The Poseidon Adventure' routine. You know, Shelley Winters.
Where is he?
One thing I'd like to do to you a good spanking.
You can get it!
Spank, spank, spank!
I'll put you over my knee.
I'll "spank, spank" you back! Oops!
Benj.
Do you remember Tick?
Hello, Tick.
Hello.
Where's the bloody bar?
Mr Belrose?
Yes?
Congratulations. It's a boy.
Oh!
Shit! Are you OK?
What's the matter? Oh, my God! Help.
Christ's sake, Mitz, why didn't you tell us?
Why hell did you shock me like that?
Ooh!
This lump on my head's growing by the second.
I'm about to making my Northern Territory debut
looking like a fucking Warner Bros cartoon character
has hit me with an iron.
I think you look more like a Disney witch myself. Now shut your face Felicia!
At least I don't look like
somebody's tried to open a can of beans with my face.
I'm sorry girls. I coludn't stand off or you bagging me for two weeks.
Anyway. What difference does it make now?
About two inches to my head from one.
You gotta get looking him? He's got my profile.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
I hate to be practical here - but does he know who you are?
Does he know what you do for living?
He knows his father's in the show business cosmetics industry.
Oh, Lord! I don't understand.
You don't, so stop trying to.
It'll be fine! It'd better be.
Hello! Oh, stop wearing out that mirror!
Do you always knock before you enter? Always. Why?
Haven't got anything to hide, have you?
Alright, girls, you're on in 10 minutes.
You've been on since birth.
The word's out. There's a big crowd.
How big? A full house.
Where's Benj? Safe and sound, asleep in bed.
Don't worry about a thing, my little powder puff.
Can I come in?
Now, there's a gentleman.
Of course you can, Bob.
My Aunt Minnie in here?
Just... wanted to wish you luck.
Thank you, Bob. Thanks.
To make up for last time.
Thank you. That's so thoughtful.
Let's get this show on the road. You, out.
10-minute curtain call. Good luck.
That's quite a wife you've got, Mitz.
What's doing in a spare time - sanding back the hulls of the oil tanker with her tongue?
She sure is something!
Oh! Chookers, girls.
Watch my jaw! Mind my head.
Aren't we faaa-bulous!
Ladies and gentlemen, Lasseters Casino, Alice Springs
presents Miss Mitzi del Gra,
Miss Felicia Jolly Good Fellow and Miss Bernadette Basinger -
the Sisters of the Simpson Desert.
Meeting Mr Right
The man of my dreams
The one who showed me true love or at least it seemed
With brown cocoa skin and curly black hair
Just the way he looks at me - that gentle, loving stare
Finally you came along
The way I feel about you it just can't be wrong
If you only knew the way I feel about you
I just can't describe it
Oh, no, no
Finally it's happened to me
Right in front of my face My two lips can't describe it
Finally it's happened to me
Right in front of my face and I just cannot hide it
Finally it's happened to me
Right in front of my face My two lips can't describe it
Finally it's happened to me
Right in front of my face and I just cannot hide it...
Seemed so many times he seemed to be the one
But all he ever wanted was to have a little fun
But now you've come along and brightened up my world
In my heart I feel it I'm that special kind of girl
Finally you came along
The way I feel about you it just can't be wrong
If you only knew the way I feel about you
I just can't describe it
Oh, no, no
Finally it's happened to me
Right in front of my face My two lips can't describe it
Finally it's happened to me
Right in front of my face and I just cannot hide it
Finally it's happened to me
Right in front of my face My two lips can't describe it
Finally it's happened to me
Right in front of my face and I just cannot hide it...
Finally
Whoa
Finally Yeah, yeah
Whoa-oh-oh
Finally, baby
Yeah, yeah, ow
Baby, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, ow
Baby, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, ow
Baby, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, ow
Baby, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, ow
Finally it's happened to me
Right in front of my face My two lips can't describe it
Finally it's happened to me
Right in front of my face and I just cannot hide it
Finally Oh, yeah
Yeah, yeah...
Finally Oh, yeah.
More! Bravo!
Beauty! Come on, everybody!
Yay! More!
Yes! More!
Hey-hey! More! More!
More! You were wonderful!
We want more! Yes!
Magnificent! Yay!
Bravo! Whoo! More!
We want more!
Come on, snap out of it.
Come on, mate.
You'll be fine.
Come on, love.
Oh. That's it, mate.
Scared us all for a minute.
Had to have extra attention, didn't you?
Nice one, lovey, nice one.
Shit!
What are you doing, Marian?
You liar! You told me he been in bed.
Shh! Drink your daiquiri.
I hate bloody daiquiri!
You don't. You love bloody daiquiris.
Now I know why drag queens drink from big glasses.
To make their hands look smaller! Oh, ha ha, Marian!
What do I tell the boy? I've never been so embarrassed.
You're overreacting. Really?!
Yes. You're being a drama queen.
You'd better drop that shit if you're gonna be a good father.
And don't pretend to be surprised. It's your turn.
Not forever - maybe just a couple of months.
Yeah, but why now?
Because I haven't had a holiday in eight years.
I need a rest, Tick. I need space.
Reminds me of something I said not so long ago. Well, I do.
It's time he knew his father anyway.
Yeah, that's the problem.
What do I tell him?
What do you assume I do - lie?
Assumption's the mother of all fuck-ups.
Don't bitch to me, bitch to him.
You might be surprised. Thanks for the free advice.
Who is it?
It's me, Bob.
Your flowers were being mangled.
Thought I'd rescue them for you.
Good idea. Thanks.
What's the matter?
Nothing.
Know what your father does for a living?
Yeah.
So I supposed you know he doesn't really like girls then?
Does he have a boyfriend at the moment?
No.
Neither does Mum.
She had a girlfriend, but she got over her.
Do you complementary? I've got Lego.
Sure.
Come on, Butch. Get moving.
We can't brand the cattle by ourselves.
Great show last night. You always end a number like that?
Always.
How'd you like to pick her up every night, Sundance?
Be a pleasure.
That might include tucking the lady into bed, Jeff.
What's the pay like, Marian?
He'll get himself into trouble one day.
And you might just be the lucky fellow.
Come on! All aboard!
Watch it with the innuendos.
Give me a clear shot at this.
You call dressing like a Xanadu production number a clear shot?
Come on, Tick! Who's kidding who?
He sure as shit isn't.
Sehd a ocopy to hmy awyer
Gotta start a new life
You've been many things
But most of all a good secretary to me...
Um, wave...
What am I doing? Swimming!
Um...
Murray.
Rock... Murray rock...
River rock... Oh, Rock! Rock Hudson!
Silly dag! Didn't you get Doris Day?
My turn! My turn! OK, smartypants, you try.
Come on, then.
It's a... Person.
A sexy woman. Cat?
Famous woman.
Um... Oh, ah...
Baby. Oh, ah, rocking.
Oh, I know this one.
Racehorse! Cat. Scary cat.
Er, scary moose.
Scary dog?
I know, I know! No?
Oh, Lindy Chamberlain.
That was appalling, Benji.
Who taught you that? Mum did.
Lies! All lies! I thought so.
Come on, Adam.
Up!
Time is against us.
And we have things to do.
Come on, you butch thing, you.
No, no, count me out.
All for one... Come on, Tick.
No.
Hmm.
Come on, Adam. Let's get frocked.
So, uh...
...er, what's it like to finally have a father?
It's OK.
I'm sorry about last night.
I don't always dress up in women's clothes.
I mean, you know, don't get the wrong idea.
Um...
I do a lot of different stuff.
You know, like... EIvis and Gary Glitter.
Abba?
I'm not supposed to know about the Abba show.
But I'd really like to see it.
Would you do Abba for me?
Sure.
You know what I am, don't you?
Mum says you're the best in the business.
Ah, well, your mother was always prone to exaggeration.
Will you have a boyfriend when we're in Sydney?
Maybe.
That's good.
Come on! Where are we going?
To unleash the best in the business.
I had a dream.
Well...
...we did it.
It never ends, does it?
All that space.
So, what now?
I think I want to go home.
Me too.
Well, then...
...let's finish the shows and go home.
Don't go without leaving me your number, Sunshine.
Already taken care of, Jeff.
It's at the bar end of the men's cubicle -
"For a good time, phone Felicia."
Can we stop at McDonald's? Good idea.
I've had enough of this shitty food. Fucking crayfish.
Where the hell do you start?
Lay it on the line, husband.
Don't conceal anything - that's the key.
If he doesn't like it, stiff bickies, he can always come back.
What happens when people hear about Mitzi's minor?
That's your problem, not his.
Morals are a choice. He'll decide his own when he's ready.
Well, that's it. You're all packed.
You're joking?! Bernadette's shoes aren't on board yet.
Hate to say this - wish I was going with you.
Your gas tank will be fine.
Your axle... may be another matter.
The road will be filled with bored mechanics
hoping some drag queens will spirit them away.
We won't spirit gum at this rate.
Where the hell's Bernadette? Here.
Come on, cabanossi tits. Where are your bags?
In my room.
I'm not going. I'm staying here for a while.
Oh, really? And you're choosing to tell us about this now?
She told me a few weeks back.
Somebody's got to handle the guest entertainment while I'm away.
I get it. Who's been playing hide the sausage?
Let's go before I throw up.
Come on, Benj.
Hope you can drive.
Hey, not without a hug!
Waaaa! Waaaa!
Are you sure?
No, I'm not sure.
I'll never know unless I give it a shot.
I'm as jealous as all hell.
Shit! Raccoon time again.
Don't forget to write! See ya!
Wish I was staying.
'Bye! 'Bye! Take care of her now!
'Bye, Mum. 'Bye, Ralph!
Yeah, see ya, Ralph!
I've been cheated by you since I don't know when
So I've made up my mind it must come to an end
Look at me now Will I ever learn?
I don't know how
But I suddenly lose control
There's a fire within my soul
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring
One more look and I forget everything
Whoa
Mama mia Here I go again
My, my, how can I resist you?
Mama mia Does it show again
My, my, just how much I missed you?
Yes, I've been broken-hearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mama mia Now I really know
My, my, I could never let you go...
I've been angry and sad about things that you do
I can't count all the times that I told you we're through
How can you go when you slam the door?
I think you know that you won't be away too long
You know that I'm not that strong
Just one look and I can hear a bell ring
One more look and I forget everything
Whoa
Mama mia Here I go again
My, my, how can I resist you?
Mama mia Does it show again
My, my, just how much I missed you?
Yes, I've been broken-hearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Mama mia Now I really know
Why, why I could never let you go.
No, that's enough.
Oh, my tits are falling down!
Oh, Jesus!
Thank you!
Thank you. It's good to be home!
Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes round the moon
I see the passion in your eyes
Sometimes it's all a big surprise
'Cause there was a time when all I did was wish
You'd tell me this was love
It's not the way I hoped or how I planned
But somehow it's enough
And now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place?
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
All of the nights you came to me
When some silly girl had set you free
You wondered how you'd make it through
I wondered what was wrong with you
'Cause how could you give your love to someone else
And share your dreams with me?
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see
But now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place?
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes round the moon
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
You went and saved the best...
...for last
Yeah, yeah.